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Night Two - My Ayahuasca Experience

Hello my beautiful souls!

Welcome back to the Modern Manifestation blog. Feel free to listen in to today's topic in the podcast.

In today's post, I am continuing the discussion around my Ayahuasca experience. If this is the first post you're checking out, be sure to read the first post of this series, My Ayahuasca Experience - An Overview, by clicking here. Afterward, check out Night One - My Ayahuasca Experience, by clicking here.

Lets jump in!

My Second Night with Mother Ayahuasca

Preparing for my second ceremony was difficult. I felt physically beat up... like I'd run a marathon the night before. For this reason and more, I was very hesitant to go back into ceremony.

Thankfully, one of the individuals leading the ceremony asked us to commit to the end, even if it gets hard... well, it was getting hard. But I'd committed, so here we go...

If you read my first two posts... you know that my first night was not a walk in the park. I sat through physical discomfort and self-hate for about six hours. Needless to say, I wasn't ecstatic about kicking off night two.

My body felt like it had the flu. My throat was raw. My chest hurt. I was dehydrated. I was hungry. Everything in my body screamed at me.

It was hard to convince myself that I was loving this experience. Even so, I wanted to see this process through. I felt like I'd come here for a reason and I needed to figure out what that was.

As I sat there journaling on my mat, I thought about my intention for night two. Since my intention on the first night was “healing” I decided to make my intention for night two all about "letting go" since this was a strong message from the first night. I wanted to give in to the resistance and healing from the first night.

It was so obvious to me how I had not let go of the negative self-talk, how I had not let go of needing to control the situation, how I had not allowed my body do what it needed to do, etc.

So, I decided to continue the theme and accepted my first cup. The music began, I got comfortable, and began my meditation while I prepared for what would come.

And then, Mother Ayahuasca came.

How Mother Ayahuasca Appeared

In my experience, I could hear and see Mother Ayahuasca; however, everyone is different. When Aya appeared to me, she appeared in front of my eyes as a purple snake. If you read my first post, you already know why this is significant to me. You would know that leading up to the ceremony, I saw snakes everywhere—real and illustrations of. Thankfully, snakes don't freak me out, but it was enough for me to notice their presence EVERYWHERE. Finally, on this second night, it made sense. Mother Ayahuasca was the snake.

As I mentioned, I could hear Aya too. She confirmed this insight, adding that she was preparing me for a healing journey, to help me transform myself, and the snakes were subtle reminders for my subconscious to prepare. If I were sober, I would have rolled my eyes at this... but I knew that she meant what she said (somehow). I decided to accept this as truth, something you do a lot when you're on a journey... even when you don't in your normal day-to-day.

As I settled into her presence, I focused on letting go and releasing my resistance. I figured a great way to start would be to "go with the flow".

I started off by thinking, “Okay, I’m ready. Show me what you want to show me”. Unfortunately for me, Ayahuasca decided that I'd missed the mark with this request... This is when I learned that Mother Ayahuasca is sassy!

Of course, Mother Ayahuasca is supportive, nurturing, loving, direct, unapologetic, and she didn’t care what you thought of her when she called you out on your shit. While very loving and nurturing, she could also be very direct... to the point of being sassy. Now I understand why people call her the grandmother.

Ayahuasca said what she thought. No filters. There wasn't any need for them. She knew everything about you and she was in your mind with you, so there wasn't any need for facades, pleasantries, or beating around the bush (not that she would anyway). Suddenly, it was clear to me how inefficient and silly our communication was normally. Always guessing what the other person intended.

Why was it so hard for us to be direct? I made a note in my journal to work on this moving forward: I'd like to be more direct with my communication.

Mother Aya brought my awareness back to the snake in front of me (aka, her). I tell her, "I'm here to let go. Show me whatever you want to show me", and then the visuals began.

For the next hour, I sat behind a veil separating me from another dimension, watching random shapes, frogs with hats, pyramids, neon lines rotating and forming new structures... honestly, the visuals were random at best and they didn't make any sense to me. I kept watching all of this like it's on a TV screen, while Mother Ayahuasca is watching me.

Finally, after about an hour, I stop and ask, "Wait, why are you showing me all of this? It doesn't mean anything to me...." And this is when Mother Ayahuasca clapped back. As if waiting for me to break from this trance, she responds, "You asked me to show you what I wanted to show you. So here it is. If you want something else, then be more specific".

As a southern raised woman, I felt like I'd gotten slapped with a wooden spoon by my grandmother. She wasn't rude, belittling, or mean... she was just unapologetically direct. Her message was clear: Be more specific.

My First Vision

I quickly got over the surprise of her words and set a new intention, "Show me what I need to let go of so that I can heal the part of me that needs it most". Instantly, the scene in front my my eyes transformed:

The whimsical shape shifting kaleidoscope scene disintegrated. All the sudden I was in a hospital room with a woman wearing a rose colored sweat shirt with her hair clipped upward. She cradled a baby.

This is one of those moments where I won't get into all of the details; however, I will tell you that as I experienced this scene, I knew I was witnessing the moments after my birth. I could feel how much love there was between this woman and her child (me). No baggage, trauma, or distrust between them existed yet. It was pure and lovely.

This moment was really healing for me to experience. This vision gave me a new perspective and a lot of gratitude for my relationship with my mother—a relationship I'm working to heal. I had a lot of things to reflect on later.

Since my mother and I aren't really close, there are few opportunities for me to heal my mother wound. This moment allowed me to feel grateful and loved without any of the shit our relationship carried. it felt like a new core lesson was unlocked: I am loved.

I was specific with mother Aya and she met me with the visual I needed to see. I consider this my secondary message: Ask for what you want.

While I had this beautiful experience, I should mention that the second night was still physical; however, it was a lot easier because I'd let go and allowed my body to be supported.

The permission that I'd given myself (to let go) allowed me to have more of a back and forth with Mother Ayahuasca. This was an exciting part of the journey that I did not expect—asking questions and getting answers. I hadn't anticipated an interactive, two-way dialogue. As the night went on, I gained the courage to ask more questions.... I finally asked her what I could do to help with my scarcity mindset. Her answer gave me a lot to think about:

She took me to the concept of wealth.

Redefining my Concept of Wealth

I was back to staring at the black TV screen with the neon shapes from earlier, but everything quickly changed and took shape. I began to see coins, money, jewels, cards, and poker chips flying in my direction as frogs with top hats danced. I know, this sounds like a psychedelic experience and not an informative answer.... Yet.

As I watched this scene unfold and fly toward me like a real life Fantasia scene, I asked Aya why we were seeing this and how it related to what I'd asked for. Aya was direct, once again, and told me that I needed to sit with my concept of wealth. In her mind, the images that I was seeing were on brand with my concept of wealth. Cheap, tacky, flimsy, and superficial. It reminded me of a Las Vegas game show. Ouch.

Whatever idea I had of wealth, this was NOT it.... right? I thought for a bit.

After awhile, I told Aya that I felt like I had a pretty good idea of what wealth looks like for myself and this energy didn't match that concept... that's when the cards and the chips redirected toward me, flying into my face. This was her way of saying, "cut the bullshit".

The cards and coins didn't stop flying toward my face for awhile.

I finally said, "This isn't my idea of wealth! Why is all this stuff just flying at me? What are you trying to tell me?". Her response was meant to get me thinking, "What is wealth to you versus someone else? Is this really your concept of wealth? Is this really what you want or have you been conditioned to want what others want? Is your idea of wealth, really even wealth at all?". More coins flew at me. I continued to deny that this was my perception of wealth internally. She chimed in, "Are you sure about that? Think".

The scene disappeared as I sat up on my mat. Shit. She was right. I was chasing a cheap concept of wealth and yet I talk about money mindsets on my podcast all the time. I felt like a fraud. What was wealth to me? How have I led my listeners and readers astray? Did I really think material goods like nice cars and houses were wealth? No. This wasn't it... I had fallen into the "manifestation influencer" trap: the show business of wealth. This wasn't me. I didn't want this to be me.

Mother Aya observed and nodded.

I sat with my journal for the rest of my ceremony, thinking about my concept of wealth. Here are some of the hard truths I jotted down:

When I think about manifesting abundance, or wealth, sometimes it comes from a place of materialism instead of energetic wealth.

What does energetic wealth mean to me? Freedom of time, freedom of choice, freedom to play, freedom to experience joy, freedom to make decisions, freedom from resistance.

Wealth is my relationship with Evan. Wealth is that we bought the 100-year old house that my dad grew up in.

I realized that I haven't shared much about my house online because I get self-conscious since it's not the high rise, modern apartment in downtown Austin. But why would this matter if that's not important to me? Evan and I view wealth as the fact that we were able to purchase my grandparents home while paying off over $150k in college loans in less than 4 years.

Wealth for us is creating a home in this house. Wealth is creating our sacred space that resonates with us.

We are the 100-year-old historic home in East Austin kind of people, and that IS my concept of wealth. Except, I hadn't acted like it is.

You can know something and not feel something. This was one of those moments.

Mother Aya made me realize how ridiculous my concept of wealth was. How silly my thoughts were. She was right: I might as well have been the person in a money box with cash flying around me. I was chasing a cheap concept of wealth.

This lesson on wealth comes at an influential moment. As we're entering (or in, depending on who you ask) a recession a lot of people are losing their jobs. It can be really easy to fall into a place of scarcity right now. If we tie our concept of wealth to our income, or to our belongings (your car, where you live, where you travel), this can tie wealth to a scarce viewpoint.

If you lose your job when you're in a scarcity mindset, all the sudden you might feel like you've lost your wealth.

If you relocate to a smaller house, you might decide that that is a loss of wealth.

If times are tougher for you, you could be led to believe you lost your wealth.

When we allow these beliefs to creep in, our identity is impacted.

Instead of being someone who feels abundant and wealthy, we allow our external conditions to say something about us, so we allow our internal conditions to change as a result. Our manifestation formula gets flipped inside out and we can lose our grounding.

This is a shallow concept of wealth: the outside impacts the inside. We want this adjusted and flipped: the inside should dictate the outside. That is manifestation.

All of the things I've listed are independent of wealth. Wealth is an energetic mindset. Wealth is the quality of your relationships. Wealth is the quality of the emotional safety net around you if all of your belongings disappeared.

Are you wealthy without your things? Are you wealthy without money? Are you wealthy without a nice house or car? Do you have to have a great job to be wealthy?

Is a Buddhist monk wealthy if he knows the concept of abundance, but doesn't have a bank account?

How do you define wealth?

As an example, let's say that all of your things were to disappear overnight... whatever you're left with, can you feel safe within that? If so, that is wealth.

When I asked myself this question, I knew I would still have Evan, our dog Luna, I would still have my drive, my interests, and my passions, and Evan would still have his. We are also fortunate enough to have a family that still loves and emotionally supports us. In our worst case scenario, we would still be okay. At the very least, we had ourselves and our spirit. With that, we could always find happiness and abundance.

Mother Ayahuasca made it clear that this is where real abundance comes from. Abundance idea is a mindset. It is a sense of safety and security within yourself. When you can redefine wealth in a way that helps you feel secure and safe even WITHOUT money, it'll be so much easier for you to adopt an abundance mindset and manifest the things you want.

Otherwise we may use our belongings, our jobs, our income to define our wealth for us, and this creates a foundation based in a scarce mindset. And when these things go away, so does your identity as a wealthy person, if your concept of wealth is tied to the things you've accumulated.

There was a lot of healing that went on that second night: past relationship trauma, the concept of wealth, and the importance of being direct. The redefinition of wealth was the biggest lesson on Night Two.

Lessons from Night Two with Mother Ayahuasca

After awhile, the ceremony leader came around with our third cup. Keep in mind, it's been a hell of a night (again). At first, my ego was ready to accept this cup in order to go deeper. I was like, "Let's keep going and figure this shit out". But my body needed a break. It was beat up. Ensue a battle between my mind and my body.

Thankfully, on that second night, I chose my body. My body asked for a rest. And I said, "Yes".

Looking back, I don't think that night two would have gone in the direction I would have wanted if had I listened to my mind instead. if you recall from night one, I always chose my mind over body. This was my opportunity to choose differently.

I think if I hadn't listened to my body, if I hadn't learned the lesson from night one, Mother Ayahuasca would have had me repeat night one (the self-hate, depression, loathing, anxiety, anger, frustration) for the duration of the journey. I think this was a way test if the lessons were being considered and integrated... I'm happy to say that they were so far.

If I'd accepted the last cup on my second night, despite what my body was telling me, I would have fell into my old habits... disregarding my body in favor of my mind. So, this was an opportunity for Mother Aya to blend the two messages from nights one and two. I like to believe "I passed" if there is such a concept on a healing journey like this.

To Summarize

Overall, the second night gave me a lot to think about. I wasn't disappointed, but I still hadn't had the mind blowing experience that I'd anticipated. Thankfully, I had one more night.... and I remained hopeful.

In the meantime, I had some great messages to contemplate:

1. Ask for what you want / be direct

2. I am loved

3. Have compassion for my mother

4. Re-evaluate my concept of wealth

5. Re-establishing the mind-body lesson from night one

I hope these lessons have given you something to think about, or at the very least, kept you entertained!

Stay tuned for my post about our final night if you're interested in learning more about this journey.

Thank you for hanging out with me today. I will catch you in the next post!

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