When Spirituality Fails You: Shame, Silence, and Starting Again

Bre Brown
Jul 20
7 min read

Hello my beautiful souls!

Welcome back to the Modern Manifestation blog. Feel free to listen in to today's topic in the podcast.

If you’re here right now—listening—I want to start by saying thank you. Really, thank you. For sticking around. For pressing play. For giving me another chance to speak into your world.

This episode is a little different. There’s no catchy title, no strategy tips, no manifestation how-to. Just me, showing up honestly to talk about where I’ve been—and why this podcast went quiet for so long.

And to be clear up front: this isn’t going to be a list of excuses. This is a long-overdue conversation. One that I’ve rewritten, re-recorded, and avoided more times than I’d like to admit…. For months.

And, because I want to make sure you know I value your time… when this podcast episode finds your device, that means that there are at least 3 other episodes already teed up and ready for release right after. So, you won’t be tuning in just to have me show up 6 months later <3

So, let’s start at the beginning.

Toward the end of 2023, I was extremely frustrated.

I hit resistance in my business and couldn’t see where it was coming from—trying to "make it" in what felt like a dying industry. I allowed myself to believe what so many in commercial real estate were telling me…. That things were going to be rough for a while. “Survive until ’25” was our office motto. Unfortunately, at the start of 2024, I realized that I’d fallen victim to the negativity around me… I’d allowed myself to believe that things were outside of my control. I forgot my own power.

So, I had a heart to heart with both myself and my boss (more on that latter conversation in a later discussion). The conversation with myself went something like this, “Just because so many people believe that our industry is never going to recover, does not mean that this applies to you. You have tools at your disposal that they do not. Use them. Make them work. Then, go teach others how you do it.” I then started off by journaling my ideal client. I wrote down several things about how much future would look, but one that stuck out the most to me was: I am willing to let go of the clients that are not in alignment with my goals to create space for more abundance. Then, I got busy. I meditated, I visualized, I made my cold calls, got into the routine of someone who had a successful business. Then, I started winning clients left and right.

For a moment, it felt like all my hard work was finally paying off. I won several new clients and they were all so easy to work with. They were practically my dream clients. I was thrilled. It was working and I could NOT wait to share this with y’all.

But then… the rug was pulled out from under me...emotionally, spiritually, mentally.

While I won several new clients, I started losing more. I was fired by a client for the first time. Then a week later, a second time. Then another week went by, a third. And so on. I stopped tracking how many I lost over a period of 2 months, but it was a lot. Definitely more than I won…. most without any explanation. Every single loss chipped away at my ego.

Each "no longer needed" felt less like business and more like personal failure. And while I was already feeling pretty low, the biggest bomb was dropped. My largest client, who I catered to with pampered gloves, also dropped me after a change in leadership. I was gutted.

So, while I’m not proud to admit it, I spiraled into another experience with depression.

And here’s the truth: I disappeared from this podcast because I felt like I didn’t belong here anymore. I felt like a fraud.

How could I keep talking about manifestation, about spirituality, about alignment—when I felt like those things had abandoned me? When I wasn’t experiencing the success I thought I could create?

I questioned everything I believed in. My identity. My integrity. Your valuable time. Everything I built this podcast on.

I thought, “What does that make me, if all of this was a lie?”And if manifestation wasn’t real—if alignment wasn’t working—then who was I without it?

As Brene Brown would say, the shame spiral kicked in. I felt the need to blow everything up and say, “The podcast is dead. It was all a lie. I’m sorry for the part I played in the bullshit…”. Instead, my avoidant attachment style kicked in and I simply disappeared.

Not only did I stop recording—I stopped believing in my own story.

I ghosted my blog and podcast not because I didn’t care, but because I cared so much that the idea of coming back and saying, “I failed,” felt unbearable.

I was afraid you’d see through me. Afraid you’d stop trusting me. Afraid you’d ask the question I was asking myself: “Was I ever the real deal?”

Here’s what I’ve come to realize:

Sometimes, when we’re in the thick of pain, we can’t see the full picture. We stop doing “the right things”. I stopped paying attention to my business. I let my role as my personal CEO and CFO fall away and lost sight of what was happening at a macro level.

Toward the end of that very same year—after all the heartbreak, confusion, and hiding—I finally sat down and looked at my numbers. And you know what?

I had one of my best years since 2019.

I was floored.

All that time I thought I was failing? I was actually succeeding.

I had been so focused on the losses—so tunnel-visioned on what had gone wrong—that I completely missed everything that had gone right.

If I had played the role of my own CEO or CFO, I would’ve seen the truth. But I wasn’t thinking like a leader. I was thinking like someone who believed the story fear had written.

And to top it all off? The biggest client I lost? Their deal died because of the market. The first client I lost? They went to a building I would never recommend… so I simply wasn’t the broker for them. The third client I lost? They are likely pulling out of our market all together and also won’t transact. To this day, their broker is still trying to get a deal done, but it isn’t looking good. All of this reminded me of what I’d stated earlier in the year during my journaling session: I am willing to let go of the clients that are not in alignment with my goals to create space for more abundance.

None of the clients I lost would have transacted with me. Instead, they would have taken up precious time. They created space, for abundance. For the new clients that walked into my life and were so easy.

And I’ll be honest with you—I felt ridiculous. Almost laughable.

I let one chapter define my entire book in 2024.I let a few setbacks convince me I had nothing left to say.I let shame stop me from doing the thing I love doing.

And that’s what brings me here today.

This is my third time recording this episode.

The first two tries? I couldn’t stop editing myself. I sounded like I was making excuses. I sounded like I was whining. And if there’s one thing I promised you when I started this podcast, it was that I would always show up real, so there isn’t a polished lesson here, and the delivery definitely isn’t perfect, but I hope sharing the shit I went through last year will help any of you going through your own shit.

I’m just coming as me…. and here’s what I’ve learned:

You can be deep in the work and still struggle.
You can teach alignment and still get knocked off course.
You can believe in magic and still go through seasons that feel void of it.

This podcast wasn’t built on perfection. It was built on honesty. On curiosity. On growth. On the desire to better myself and others…

And this past year? As hard as it was—it was growth.

If you’ve ever felt like you’ve taken three steps forward and ten steps back...If you’ve ever felt like you lost your way...If you’ve ever questioned your worth based on one bad month, one bad client, one bad decision...

I want you to know: You are not alone. I see you. In a lot of ways I am you.

And I’m done letting shame keep me quiet.

So, what’s next?

Well, this episode marks my return. But not just to the podcast—to myself.

I’m rebuilding from a deeper place. I’ve given myself time to unpack what happened and learn more about myself. I feel like I’ve learned more about myself in the last year than I have in the last 5… and that is saying a lot because I’ve been on a non-stop “know thyself” tour. I’ll probably talk more about some of those insights later on.

I’m excited to share this next version of myself with you. A chapter that honors both the light and the shadows. Because manifestation isn’t just about getting what you want—it’s about becoming who you’re meant to be.

Thank you for being here. For holding space. For not giving up on me, even when I gave up on myself for a little while.

I hope you’ll stick around. There’s so much more to say. So much more to explore. And so many miracles left to manifest.

Thank you for hanging out with me today. I will catch you in the next post!

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