Stop People Pleasing: How to Take Feedback That's Yours and Leave the Rest

Hello my beautiful souls!

Welcome back to the Modern Manifestation blog. Feel free to listen in to today's topic in the podcast.

Let's talk about this pesky habit that I like to call "self correcting", or better known as.... people pleasing. The frustrating tendency to modify how we show up in the world to appease others. Constantly scanning ourselves for what we've done wrong, what we need to fix, who we need to become — before we've even honored who we already are.

Self-correcting is the habit that keeps us from showing up authentically in spaces. It makes us question if we take up too much space, show up in the way people want us to, or fit in with those around us. Sometimes it even causes us to make micro adjustments to our tone, or facial expressions, how we operate within a social setting… And it's exhausting. This is a habit that can keep us feeling like imposters.

So let's learn to say "yes" to what is ours, while saying "no" to everything else.

If this resonates, good. Stay with me so you can decide to show up differently. If you're a badass that doesn't self correct for anyone, I bow to you. Because this shit is hard.

I started thinking about this topic last week. After a conference call, I had a coworker tell me I needed to slow down when I talk with clients. Not just on calls, but all the time. They suggested that my cadence is too fast and people can't process that quickly.

Now, Bre 5 years ago would have panicked and immediately implemented a change; or self corrected. I probably would have checked out 5 books about public speaking, researching why this happens, and finding out how to change it. In fact, I did do this... when I first started my podcast I was told to slow down. So I did. And it made me feel disingenuous. The podcast only became fun again when I shed this feedback. Bre 5 years ago had the motto to "grow at any cost necessary".

The Bre today? I paused. I checked in with myself. And decided — no, thank you. (Okay, internally it was more like "fuck that"). Why is the expectation for people to conform to an undefined social standard when they operate differently? Why are neurodivergents always held to neurotypical standards, but neurotypicals don't adjust for me?

For my neurodivergents out there (my friends with ADHD, autism, dyslexia, bipolar disorder, etc.)... We spend so much energy adapting to a world that wasn't built for our brains, and then we call that growth. But sometimes what looks like growth is just assimilation. And those are not the same thing.

So, today I say, "fuck that" to self-correcting. I run on a different operating system. It's not better or worse, just different.

I talk fast. I love when people talk quickly to me. When they don't, I find myself interrupting them to finish the thought for them. I'm not trying to be rude, it's my brain trying to connect. To let them know I'm already there and I understand.

What I really wanted to tell that coworker was that if they want me to slow down... I'd like them to speed up. A lot.

Thankfully, any time my reaction to feedback is to get angry, I've learned to pay attention. It means there is friction showing up and I need to figure out why. Sometimes it's because it's a sore subject and something I've known I needed to work on, and wanted to work on, but hadn't. But other times... it's because the feedback isn't meant for me and it's how my internal defense system alerts me to the disconnect.

Look, there is a time and a place for personal development. There is also a time and a place for self reflection and choosing what fits and what doesn't. Learning to speak slower to accommodate others? I'm happy to if I'm asked. But otherwise? That's not a part of this girl's life journey.

Recently, my friend Aga and I were having a conversation about how we show up in the world. She shared that she has a tendency to try and fix problems for people instead of listening in conversations. This is great self-awareness. And, if she wants to, she can certainly work on this. But what if we think about this differently? What if her instinct to fix... isn't a flaw, but a gift for the right people?

I don't think it's her job to suppress a natural response that comes from love. I think it's our job to communicate if we need something different.

Early on in our marriage, Evan and I learned to ask this question in a vent session:

"Are you seeking feedback, or is this a listen-only session?"

Now, I know how he needs me to show up in the conversation... and vice versa. And, when one of us forgets to ask, the other gets to say, "hey, I just want to be heard right now. I'm not looking for a fix". Got it. I will adapt! Game changer.

Historically, women were often healers. Aga's instinct comes from that same place. Our empathy challenges us to hold space, AND to help where we can. It's natural to want to fix a situation.

Instead of self correcting how we operate in the world, or adding more to the list of things we want to change about ourselves, it's time we consider letting unsafe people go and establishing healthier relationships.

It's not our responsibility to be hyper vigilant. It's also not our job to figure out what everyone else needs from us. Instead of taking on another burden, let's trust those around us to communicate their needs. And if they can't? That's on them.

While very crass, my dad used to always say... "I can't look at your ass and read your mind". He mostly said it while driving behind people who didn't use their blinkers... but there is a funny lesson here. People can't expect us to know what they need without communicating it to us. We are not mind readers.

And when we ask for what we need? We teach others how to do the same. That's not selfishness. That's leading by example. Creating space in relationships to be more authentic with one another, without masking.

No one is evaluating you to give you a life score. Authenticity isn't about assimilating for the sake of everyone else's comfort. It's about showing up as the full, unedited version of yourself. And, you can still do this while growing in the areas that matter to you. You don't have to become beige to be accepted.

Take the feedback that resonates, and dump everything else. Grow from the advice or the self-reflection that feels right. And when it doesn't? "Thank you for that feedback" and then turn around and tell yourself, "that's not for me".

So that's what I did last week. I thanked my coworker, resisted the urge to explain myself, and threw the advice away. In professional spaces, fast talkers are sometimes read as anxious or scattered — unfairly. So I made one small adjustment. Not to slow down my natural cadence, but to address it. Now, at the beginning of client calls, I'll say, "by the way. I'm a fast talker. If you need me to slow down at any point, let me know."

I'm in my current evolution of Bre — no longer changing how I show up in the world to make others more comfortable. I'm setting the expectation upfront — if you need something different, just say so.

Instead of judging ourselves for how we operate, trust the people who love you will communicate what they need. Or, you show them how.

Take what's yours, leave what isn't, and trust that the right people will meet you exactly where you are.

Thank you for hanging out with me today. I will catch you in the next post!

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